


Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

by ishie



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-22
Updated: 2009-09-22
Packaged: 2017-11-16 03:19:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/534907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishie/pseuds/ishie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard was the first to stop shaving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

**Author's Note:**

> So I got stuck on my WIP and did this instead - 30 minute challenge, no editing, no beta, feedback appreciated! Pre-3x01 _The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation_ /missing scene kind of a thing. Knowledge of the inside joke for that ep would be helpful :)

Howard was the first to stop shaving.

"I've always wanted a mustache," he said as he packed away his electric razor. "Plus, you know how chicks dig a guy with facial hair. Look at Wolverine."

"Yeah, and maybe one day they can sew your head to Hugh Jackman's body."

Raj snorted into his reconstituted oatmeal.

"My uncle Schlomo had a beautiful chin of hair. And a lovely lady on each arm every night, I might add."

"Your uncle Schlomo also died of acute alcohol poisoning in a brothel at the age of 35, Howard."

Howard gazed off into the distance. "Oh, but what a way to go."

\---

Leonard was the next to succumb.

He'd been trying to hide the crossbow where Howard wouldn't find it and missed an invitation to chat online from Penny. He spent the next three days on the couch, wrapped in his Snuggy, humming tunelessly to his never-ending collection of emo music.

"If he says anything to either of you about going out looking for a cat, tie him to the sled," Sheldon instructed, then shook his head. " _Inside_ the building."

Raj and Howard both rolled their eyes and tried to find something else to do that wouldn't involve telling him to shut his cakehole.

Four hours later, they were wrestling Leonard back through the door.

"Look, after a couple of days, it's kind of silky!" Howard said, desperately. "You can pet it, like a cat! You should grow one of your own!"

\---

Raj went out to record sensor data one morning and came back shaking worse than normal. He wouldn't talk to anyone about what he'd seen, but he turned down all the beef-flavored meals from that day on. His razor sat untouched on the bathroom sink.

"Man, don't get pissed at me for saying but you're kind of starting to look like Charles Manson," Howard said. "I mean, if Charles Manson weren't a skinny psychopath."

"Like you're one to talk," Raj said.

Sheldon looked up from the notebook where he'd been recording more of their ... _findings_. "Some Hindu priests sport facial hair as a public acknowledgement of their spiritual and physical purity. Are you growing your beard for similar reasons?"

Raj kept working on tightening the screws in his laptop case. "Sure, yeah. That's why."

\---

None of them ever saw or heard Sheldon shave, and they never noticed any stubble on his chin or his upper lip. Leonard wasn't even sure his roommate had packed a razor.

But one morning, Sheldon sat straight up in bed, hours before any of their alarms went off, shouting, "Abandon ship!"

Once they'd managed to calm him down and he dropped back into his death-like sleep, Leonard whispered, "Did you guys, um, notice his face?"

"I was a little too busy trying _not to have a heart attack_ ," Howard said. He bent over Sheldon's cot to look at him in the dim light and recoiled so hard he almost knocked Raj on his ass.

"Dudes, please tell me I'm dreaming this right now," Raj hissed.

Leonard was wringing his hands together. "No, I'm pretty sure we're all awake. And I'm pretty sure that's evil!Sheldon."

Raj and Howard whimpered and clung to each other.

After a minute, Howard jerked away. "No one saw this coming?! That thing didn't just crawl in and camp out on his face!"

Leonard tried to smile. "Um, long live the Terran Empire?"


End file.
